Everything’s all by the way.

So firstly, I .. dunno if I should apologize for the Kony 2012 post or what. I’ve documented myself over the past months, and as far as I’m concerned I agree that it is a scam, a political scam to be exact, and I feel sorry for that post. Even though what I really wanted to say in that post was that people should accomplish whatever goals they set ahead of themselves, I still feel sorry and embarrassed for even mentioning Kony2012. So I apologize. I’m not going to delete the post, cause I feel like I tried to make a point beside the obvious stupidity,but yeah. ūüė¶

On a side-note, I’ve been reading Rookie for a while now, and I really like their work. Just yesterday I’ve come across one particular post, about breakups, the friendship kind of breakup.. yeah. Well I’m unsure, whether this is a sign from somewhere, that my best friend and I should really admit the end of our friendship or not. We’ve been the best of friends for the past 4 years now, and it’s really hard to believe we’ve come to this.

Has anyone ever made that huge mistake of pushing everyone away? Like, all of your friends? I’ve been talking to¬† a classmate of mine, who was complaining about a friend of hers who was really pushing everyone away, because she was afraid of getting hurt, she was afraid of disappointment . Well I’ve given it plenty of thought, and I realized, that I am doing the same, but subconsciously. It’s not something I want to do but let me tell you something,if you’re in the same situation, and your friend¬† is pushing you away, it might not always be something you’ve done, or your friend being selfish and/ or leaving you behind.

As far as I’m concerned, I know I have periods of my life when I’m either mildly or majorly depressed. I get really really down, I feel really blue, I am hopeless, and I cry myself to sleep. I am the kind of person who doesn’t really know how to pretend, especially not in front of my closest friends, thus when they ask me if I’m okay, and I feel like I cannot tell them the truth, I can’t look in their eyes and say ” It’s nothing, really”. I can say it but the way I do signals my lack of honesty. And thus people get the impression that I’ve changed ( not like change is a bad thing, but they consider I’ve stopped being the person who constantly cared about them, and started.. not caring). They might be right, but I haven’t really changed. That’s the point. The internal struggle of suppressing certain things can get people really really low. You know, how, like, therapists tend to say that a person often gets worse before getting better that being a sign of aknowledging the problem, a sign of healing.

Now, let us be honest here. It’s not about lack of trust concerning the ones pushed away, if this is what we are talking about. It’s about,like,¬† who would want to listen to someone, who has¬† fits of depression, hates themselves and everything around them? After a while it just seems like that person just likes to feel sorry for themselves. Right? But no. People with real problems like this one¬† don’t want others, not even their closest friend or family feeling sorry for them. It’s something they, and I really know I hate. I hate the fact that I can’t seem to permanently work on and solve these issues that keep resurfacing every, say 6 months or so.

So I know the struggle. And even thought I am trying to figure out my problems that doesn’t go smoothly. It’s impossible to solve¬† the way¬† I’ve¬† tried so many times before: for example holing myself up in my room for two weeks, facebook deactivated and phone turned off. It just doesn’t work. People tend to think, ‘Oh I’ll just think about it for a day or two and I should come up with a solution’. No. I know I’ve done this so many times, but it won’t go away in such a short period of time.¬† It’s a slow¬† process of healing.

So it’s really not a personal thing if a friend pushes you away. It’s not because she or he doesn’t need or want you in his or her life anymore. She/He just has problems she/he needs to work out.¬† And it’s not easy, I tell you. I’m really trying, for example, to make my friends understand that it’s not them, it’s me, no matter how¬†clich√© it might sound, it’s sometimes the truth.

Sometimes it’s better to just step away from it all, just for a while, to clear your head and set your priorities rather than staying in the race and losing everything just because you couldn’t admit you needed a break. Sometimes people need break from reality, and a journey through their feelings.

I recently got an assignment from my religion teacher, who told me to write a 10,000 word essay about what is beautiful in my life, and what¬† I should be grateful for. And I was like ‘Are you fucking kidding me?’ when she first told me but yeah. Thinking about it now, it might be a wake-up call. Writing that might make me realize what the beauty of life is.

xxx

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