if two people are meant to be,eventually they’ll find their way back



If there were five other situations I could have chosen from, give different people, available people .. I still would have chosen you.

You know I love your smiles more than anything. I act like a total mess, I’m perfect for the circus with you, but I love to touch those deep wrinkles on your face when you smile, and I love the way you look to the side every time you do. It makes me want to be the one that protects that smile with the cost of my life. If this were wartime, and you were a soldier I’d be  your shield; if we were anywhere but here and you asked me to jump I would gladly risk it all for that smile.

I know you love to kiss me, it intoxicates me too. I love the feel of your tongue sliding against mine- I can feel the rough ridged cuts on your tongue and you taste like the end of august mixed with cigarettes and a shot of jäger.

If someone were to ask me why I still hold on I would say: “Because it was never over”. I feel like you need your time, but when you finally come to a conclusion, when you decide to man up to who you are and what you need (and please let that be me) and what you no longer do, you’ll be here. And I’m waiting. Patiently. It’s hard, though, especially at night, when the doubts come to haunt my restless dreams, it’s hard to believe that everything will be okay. That I’m not just as mangled up inside as I feel, as I’ve always been. At night I feel like a raft in the middle of the Pacific- like there’s nothing for me to hold on to, but then i remember your smell, the way your hair always covers half my face when we sleep together and I feel your hand holding mine, your short breaths and light snores, your warmth, and I know. I know that believing is better than doubting, that loving is better than letting go, that hope is better than giving up and that even the hardest, most conflicting situations, even the most painful feelings I experience beat the hell out of not trusting you to come back to me.

I’ve never once believed in my own success. Not until you came and you turned my world upside down. I guess everyone has that one person in their lives who changes everything they stand for. You made me realize that I have never in my life, ever, believed in myself, believed I could reach my goals and get what I want. But I believed in getting back to you once, and I did, but I fucked up because I lost my trust and you got a glimpse of that desperate, caged animal in my soul, that always tries to escape and ruin any chance I have of a normal life, and you fled. And I still can’t feel like I’m lost, like we’re lost. For once in my life, I’m positive, and I feel that at one point or another you will be here.. I mean you already are, always in me, on my mind, in my soul, with your lips sealed on mine in a searing kiss, and I’m connected with you, we’re bound by the unbreakable bonds of the Universe that is bringing, and always will bring us back to each other.

I love you. I fell in love with you from the first time we met, so long ago. And I never gave up in wanting you and I got my second chance. Now I don’t want a fairytale love, I want a real one. I want you to open up to me, I want your trust, I want to be the one to make you smile that sweet smile, I want to be the one that stitches you up after the hurricane she constantly twirls around you, I want you to need me even just a little so you can see how much I love you. But I think you already do, feel all these feelings. I think you want me, I think you need me, you’re attracted to me, you’re just scared. I think you already know, just as I do, how much we mean to each other. That maybe we’ve been constantly been bumping into each other in this life or all our other lives and in each one of those we meant the world to each other, like we do now, all we need is that great big realization that we’re meant to be.

So I say fuck the odds. I love swimming against the tide because I believe in standing up for what you feel, for what you love. And even if it seemed like we were drifting apart, sometimes distance makes the heart grow fonder. You’re coming back, on that train  and I’ve been sitting here waiting for you for so long, I don’t even remember the moment my cigarettes burnt the tips of my fingers to the bone or when the rain finally stopped. Now all that’s left is the warm smell of rain and dust and I’m calm. You’re coming back to me now, and we’re getting our chance in this lifespan. I’ve waited for you for this long and I’m not about to give up. And as soon as I get on that train with you, as soon as we see each other we’ll fall in love all over again, as if the past few months never existed. I love you more now and you need me more; I’m going to give you hope and you’re going to be fine. We’re going to be just fine.

You came back. I love you.


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