Kony 2012-Let’s help make a difference!

 

So one of my best friends linked me to this video, and told me to drop my studying and just watch it.So I was like yeah, I’m all sleepy and stuff and in no mood to do school work so yeah, why not? So I clicked. And I watched the video. And well what can I say? It caught me. I mean. Any time I see something like this it makes me feel.. unhappy about life but at the same time motivated to do something about it.

These kinds of things make me believe that there’s still hope for little people such as me to help, in any seemingly futile way possible.

Let me tell you some things about myself.

I am from an eastern European county, most of you probably have no idea exists, and it’s okay-we’re too weird  to be noticed for anything we do really, and people here are lazy and judgemental and mediocre, for the most.So we never do anything to be noticed. Or rather, those who do don’t live here anymore, and they deny their origins. Which is like okay with me, I’m no huge patriot, I don’t judge everybody must have their reasons.

Anyway. I live in a relatively small town ( well it’s not so small compared to other towns in my country, if you know what I mean. )I live with my dad and stepmum since my mother died when I was very little. I have the usual high-school drama going on, friends that are on and off and I’m the kind of person who, well, loves people and loves helping them since it’s the only thing to really make me feel good about myself, in general. When I help others, I feel like I’m helping myself get over my own issues. So these on and off, fake friendships cause me a lot of grief and as of lately they really make my days seem worse and worse and worse. And I tend to get all depressed and that leads me to the next issue..

In order for me to ever move out of this shithole of a country I should have really good grades, and a scholarship and so on and so forth, and even those wouldn’t guarantee me the escape from my birthplace. And I hate feeling like the fact that I was born here has been hanging over my head like this dark curse-cloud all of my life. I hate feeling and fearing that I might be stuck here for good, with no choice but to word my but off to barely scrape enough money for food let alone pay rent and everything else. So yeah. I know every place has its ups and downs, ut trust me when I tell you that even though this is true, there are certain places in this world where  it’s worth putting up with a little bad because there’s more good to it.Where I live it’s a whole other deal, but I’m not really going to get into that subject.

So yeah. Watching this made me think of my future, of our future, and of *(maybe) the end of the world? Whether the true and realistic end of the world or merely the end of the world as we know it up to the 21st century.? I have no idea. All I know is that it seems like a lot of people, including myself made plans to change, either themselves or to attempt changing the world this year, and because I can somehow relate, even though my goals are small and insignificant. So I wanted to share the video. Please click it, please watch it, please feel it, let it pass through.

I know I can’t help more than this because of where I live , I just hope all of those capable of helping these people out will spare few dollars hoping this could make a change for so many. I think this world needs good deeds. It needs love and not hatred. Hatred lead us to where we stand now, and it’s not all well and good and sunshine and candy now is it? Life seems to be harder than ever so. I really hope these people achieve their goals.I really do.

 

On a more personal*(?) note, I ..well.. I dunno I might be sick or something. I have these absolutely horrible abdnominal pains on my right side. It like starts from underneath my ribs, through my stomach (burning, tightening sensations), and just heads downwards on the right side radiating to my spine, till my appendix and my right ovary hurt.I really don’t know what the cause of this could be, but I’m gonna see a doctor about it soon, I think.
Anyone ever had anything like this ? xoxo

 

 

Advertisements

Be a simple kind of man.

I am shocked, least to say. Before I start, I am no expert in these kinds of stuff. I don’t consider that I have any disorders, yeah, I’m constantly on a diet, but a healthy diet mixed with exercise. And now I am going to start.

I was reading this blog today, the rookie, but that’s not the point. As I was reading through the posts I somehow got to some kind of eating disorder related ones, so I started reading other blogs, and thinspo blogs, tumblr’s whatever, you get the point.

All the way, all I could think of was that there are so many young girls. 12,13,14 year-old girls starving themselves to death because they see themselves fat? I’m not judging them, don’t get me wrong, I’m just stunned that we live in a motherfucking world where a 12 year-old girl can become anorexic because she wants to fit in, to stop being bullied, to be thin like the models, to be perfect.

I’m no stranger to dieting. I tried many methods, I was what they call fat nowadays, yeah. I bet all those skinny, calorie counting girls were making fun of me but I chose to lose my weight the healthy way: with a healthy diet (I cut low on carbohydrates, drank a lot of water, lost the junk food and only ate sweets occasionally) and work-out. It was hard work, and I wanted to quit so many times, but I just kept on going. It’s no quick fix. It’s not like starving yourself for two weeks and seeing the drastic changes, and, all in all probably having a sense of achievement, even though your body is exhausted.Starving yourself is hard, it’s painful, it requires a lot of futile control. It makes you lose focus, and for a 12 year old girl, in school, it can mean a lot of hardship concerning school life in general.

I’m not going to rant about healthy lifestyles. All I really want to point out that there is no perfect. All of the models out there are models. It’s their job to look that way, they get paid to look like that. It’s not an everyday woman’s job to look like that. Skin and bones? That is not perfect, that is ugly. Boys won’t like you better, no one will look at you in a different light, not in a positive way, no. It’s okay to be normal. If you weight a bit more than you think you should, go exercise, go run, it’s way better than starving yourself to death. And most importantly don’t think that being thin is going to make you happy. It might, for awhile but that sense of accomplishment can only make you happy for so long and there’s so much more to life than that. Learn to ignore the bullies, and what others think. Be yourself, whoever that is, it’s the only person you can be. Be proud of your hair color, your eyes, your shape, be proud of yourself. Learn to love yourself. Each of us is beautiful in their own way, and those quick to judge by looks are just sad people, really really sad and unaccomplished people, with low self-esteem.

And please remember that those who will and do truly love us, don’t love us for what sizes we wear, or how much we weight. They love us for what’s inside our soul. And that’s what really matters. Be something you love and understand.

i’m bullettproof, nothing to lose

 

Happy  belated New Year to everyone,I’m sorry for not updatin it’s jsut.meh.

I’ve been away with my class for new years and it was crazy. no not the i had so much fun crazy, but the i had so much drama crazy. and i’m not even in da mood to elaborate. lets just say, i’ve had enough of two faced fucks. and i’m done giving a rats ass about how they feel when they clearly don’t care about how i feel.

I jsut wanna write down my new years resolution, so this blog will probably be focused on how i deal with that but it’s mainly this:

be more self confident, not give a fuck about what others say, just feel good the way i am. which all sums up to acceptimg myself for who i am. and i wanna be a lil bit more independent since i’m gonna be eighteeen this year, fuck yeah!

 

soo.. right now..i’m drinkin hot exotic fruit tea and eating bagels and watching gossipgirl.

not giving a fuuuck!

 

From the rooftops I remember, there was snow.

 

I hate people who lie. But mostly I hate people who lie to themselves, and think they can lie to others. And my family is the perfect imagery of a family ruined by lies.

 

My family has financial issues. And I am at an age where it’s part of my constant worries. What am I going to do? If my dad, who if old and most likely ill, what am I going to do? How am I going to manage? I feel empty, and helpless, and I’ve always felt like I’m such a hopeless case, so you can imagine how I feel. I’m really scared, I admit.

So sometimes I try to talk to them. My step-mom mainly, because my dad is so much like an ostrich. He just hides his head in the sand whenever he hears anything he doesn’t like or enjoy, wheneve I try talking some sense to him, to make him admit his problem. Because the first step in solving any problem is admiting there is a problem. But he keeps lying to himsel, he tries to comfort himself. ” He is never to blame. He never made one mistake. Everyone else is crooked, and wrong, and rotten.” It’s the main lie. It’s like paranoia. It is paranoia I guess. They both act like everyone is out to get them. Which in my opinnion is such a sick way to approach life.

I always try to make them understand that they must have done something wrong themselves, that one tiny little mistake, no matter how small can  start an avalanche of problems. But I’m always greeted with two, strong brick walls. They refuse. They shout at me. They could kill me whenever I say anything.

And I honestly hate all of this. I’d shut up, I really would if I’d only have that assurance that if anything happens, all of the cards won’t be blown my way, and I would be the one to  have to find my way to the surface because of their poor judgements and too fucking much ego.

I’ve gotten to the point where the most they can brign out in me is sadness. They sadden me, so fucking very much. Because they make me realize how fucking alone I am, and how I’ll have to figure out everything on my own.

So my late Christmas wish would be: take me the fuck away from here.

 

I’m sorry I’m this late, but Merry Christmas to everyone, I hope it was a great one and you guys got everything you’ve wished for!

Life is but an empty dream

Suddenly, there was nothing else. No cold breeze cooling my face, and stinging my already teary eyes. No trees, no noize, not my dad nothing in the world. Only me and that tombstone. And all that I could think of was: is there anything left? After 10 years? Maybe a bone, the coffin, her hair, something. If I were to dig her up, would I find something there, that belonged to her, that made her human? Would I have anything to embrace if I just wanted to lay down in that rotten coffin next to the remains of my deceased mother, and die?

Instead I just talked with her in my head. It only felt true because it’s been so fucking long. I wonder if there’s a heaven, or a hell, or if everytime I go to the cemetery I keep talking to myself, and those cold stones and empty letters forming her name.

And so here it is.Here I’ve been for the past hours, not wanting to believe the fact, that on this day, ten years ago, when I was only 7, I remember my father lighting my grandfathers favorite candle, which my mother had always kept as a souveneer from her father. And I remember asking him, why he lit it. ‘It’s for mom’ he replied. And it was all my seven year-old self needed. My fear, and feeling which I couldn’t feel the weight of got confirmed. Mom was never coming home.

this moment for life.

 

Don’t you just hate manipulative people?

For instance I have this friend who always takes advantage of me. When I’m drunk ;). She never tells me her issues with me while I’m sober, cuz she knows I’m tough, and I won’t tell her my feelings, or what I think cuz I just don’t give a shit. But when I’m drunk, she knows, I can’t shut up. So she always poses as the motherfucking victim, and we get all tangled up in the ” I am trying to explain myself, while she feels like a queen”. She usually thinks she’s winning. And normally, yes. Normally she always does win, but not this time. Right about now she might be expecting some ass kissing, but I actually realized I don’t give a fuck. So she can pull this bullshit off on me for as long as she wishes, but when payback time comes, she better look out. I’m not a bitch type, but you can’t be nice, with a bitch. No matter how hard you try.

 

Secondly, if anyone has any idea on how I can make iTunes work on my windows vista I’d be grateful! I can’t even start iTunes up, cuz the blue-screen appears, and my PC automatically starts in safe mode. I’ve tried running iTunes in safe-mode, and it does run that way, but not normally. And I need some help, cuz currently I’m syncing my iPod shuffle with winamp, but I can’t seem to do the same with my iPhone. So any ideas would be greatly appreciated.

 

xxx

You don’t see me like I see you. I can’t have you, no.

And I want you in my life. And I need you in my life.

 

I’ve had this pathetic, fifth grade kind of crush this year, and this one song, The Pretty reckless-You, that I’m listening to right now reminded me of the guy.

First of all I should mention, that I’ve only had two boyfriends my whole life. I never believed in fake relationships, that I don’t think could ever last. I never jump into things like that, I like to avoid disappointment as much as I can. So I always ended up with people I had some kind of assurance , that they wouldn’t hurt me. Of course the end of the relationships hurt even so, like a motherfucker, but thats not my point here. I always ended up with people I wasn’t quite satisfied   with. People that werent what I needed, and I always knew that I wouldn’t be what they needed, either. So we ended up on wild goose hunt. Other guys were just for fun. But even so they were never 100% what I had in mind. I’m not all that picky or anything, it’s just that I never felt like myself with them.

So, after a hard breakup I had the huge opportunity to meet some new, nice people. And thats when I met him. I, like, instantly had my eyes glued on him, because he was everything I had always dreamed of. Tall, brown beautiful,stylish hair, pale, creamy white skin, dark brown eyes with that ‘come and get me’ gaze, and that smug smile. ( I always had a thing for these bad-boys, the kind of guys that have this tall-dark-and handsome look) . So yeah. I was instantly all very interested in him. Unfortunately for me, I’m a loser. I only set my eyes on him by the time these people were about to go home ( they were from another country altogether).

So months passed, summer passed, and in the end me and my friends ended up going to these people. By then I had been obsessing over the guy, like a lovestruck puppy, always looking him up on facebook, checking his relationship statuses and so on. Looking back now, I was lame. Oh God!

So we traveled to them and had the time of our life. Throughout all of the trip I had hoped, begged god and everyone to get me with him. But yeah. Losers like me have no luck. Turned out he was in love with my friend who I had gone to. And It turned out he was this whole sweet guy, not the heart-breaker type. He was the kind who would take care of you when you’d catch a cold, who would tuck you in at night, walk with you on the seaside at night and smoke weed with you on the roof while gazing at the stars.

So I talked to him a bit on the last night of my stay here and he was like really kind and nice and I was feeling like shit.

And well this has been a few months back. I decided there was no use in ever thinking about it again, cuz he’s something I’ll never get. But even though, I must say that he is everything I’ve ever looked for in a guy. And not being able to hook up with him really hurt my ego, and my always low self-esteem got so much more lower.

By now I really don’t feel any sadness on this failure. I mean , yeah. Well I shouldn’t have expected anything, anyway, it was my fault for putting my heart on the line, and my feelings and well yeah.

Ad even though I only spoke to him once in my life, and even then it only lasted 10 years, I like.. nomatter how lame this sounds I never wanna forget this person. I feel like , knowing he exists, that knowing such a person is alive , and there might be some other like him as well, it changed something in me. How wrong does that sound?

Did anyone ever feel this? Or am I this stupid? I’ve never felt such attraction to an unknown person,  or such attachment.

 

What are your thoughts on this?xx