if two people are meant to be,eventually they’ll find their way back

 

If there were five other situations I could have chosen from, give different people, available people .. I still would have chosen you.

You know I love your smiles more than anything. I act like a total mess, I’m perfect for the circus with you, but I love to touch those deep wrinkles on your face when you smile, and I love the way you look to the side every time you do. It makes me want to be the one that protects that smile with the cost of my life. If this were wartime, and you were a soldier I’d be  your shield; if we were anywhere but here and you asked me to jump I would gladly risk it all for that smile.

I know you love to kiss me, it intoxicates me too. I love the feel of your tongue sliding against mine- I can feel the rough ridged cuts on your tongue and you taste like the end of august mixed with cigarettes and a shot of jäger.

If someone were to ask me why I still hold on I would say: “Because it was never over”. I feel like you need your time, but when you finally come to a conclusion, when you decide to man up to who you are and what you need (and please let that be me) and what you no longer do, you’ll be here. And I’m waiting. Patiently. It’s hard, though, especially at night, when the doubts come to haunt my restless dreams, it’s hard to believe that everything will be okay. That I’m not just as mangled up inside as I feel, as I’ve always been. At night I feel like a raft in the middle of the Pacific- like there’s nothing for me to hold on to, but then i remember your smell, the way your hair always covers half my face when we sleep together and I feel your hand holding mine, your short breaths and light snores, your warmth, and I know. I know that believing is better than doubting, that loving is better than letting go, that hope is better than giving up and that even the hardest, most conflicting situations, even the most painful feelings I experience beat the hell out of not trusting you to come back to me.

I’ve never once believed in my own success. Not until you came and you turned my world upside down. I guess everyone has that one person in their lives who changes everything they stand for. You made me realize that I have never in my life, ever, believed in myself, believed I could reach my goals and get what I want. But I believed in getting back to you once, and I did, but I fucked up because I lost my trust and you got a glimpse of that desperate, caged animal in my soul, that always tries to escape and ruin any chance I have of a normal life, and you fled. And I still can’t feel like I’m lost, like we’re lost. For once in my life, I’m positive, and I feel that at one point or another you will be here.. I mean you already are, always in me, on my mind, in my soul, with your lips sealed on mine in a searing kiss, and I’m connected with you, we’re bound by the unbreakable bonds of the Universe that is bringing, and always will bring us back to each other.

I love you. I fell in love with you from the first time we met, so long ago. And I never gave up in wanting you and I got my second chance. Now I don’t want a fairytale love, I want a real one. I want you to open up to me, I want your trust, I want to be the one to make you smile that sweet smile, I want to be the one that stitches you up after the hurricane she constantly twirls around you, I want you to need me even just a little so you can see how much I love you. But I think you already do, feel all these feelings. I think you want me, I think you need me, you’re attracted to me, you’re just scared. I think you already know, just as I do, how much we mean to each other. That maybe we’ve been constantly been bumping into each other in this life or all our other lives and in each one of those we meant the world to each other, like we do now, all we need is that great big realization that we’re meant to be.

So I say fuck the odds. I love swimming against the tide because I believe in standing up for what you feel, for what you love. And even if it seemed like we were drifting apart, sometimes distance makes the heart grow fonder. You’re coming back, on that train  and I’ve been sitting here waiting for you for so long, I don’t even remember the moment my cigarettes burnt the tips of my fingers to the bone or when the rain finally stopped. Now all that’s left is the warm smell of rain and dust and I’m calm. You’re coming back to me now, and we’re getting our chance in this lifespan. I’ve waited for you for this long and I’m not about to give up. And as soon as I get on that train with you, as soon as we see each other we’ll fall in love all over again, as if the past few months never existed. I love you more now and you need me more; I’m going to give you hope and you’re going to be fine. We’re going to be just fine.

You came back. I love you.

No one sleeps when I’m awake (photo post)

I took these with my iphone mostly so yeah, but they’re not all that bad:)

No one sleeps when I’m awake

 

This past two, well one and a half week/s have been crazaaaay!

Last week I went on a school trip (if you can still call it that) with all of the boys in my class and one chick including some other school mates,  abroad. We went to this lake called Velence in the neighboring country and I can say we had a lot of fun!

The road trip alone was very long (10+ hours by bus) and very uncomfortable ( and this is  coming from someone who traveled from Budapest, Hungary to Edinburgh, Scotland by bus, and loved it, and now couldn’t take a 400 km road trip). By the time we arrived we were like, dude, give us some food, some quality foreign beer (that we would never normally buy since we’re cheap) , some sunblock and a cigarette and let’s party!

The first day was great. I got a killer tan (and for someone as pale as me, well.. I think my tan was great!) and my face got all sunburned and I was all red in the cheeks like a clown. My friend was laughing so hard at me the whole night, that he even went as far as licking his fingers and trying to wipe the redness from my cheeks ( at first he didn’t believe me when I told him that the redness wasn’t caused by make-up , that the sun had caused it) then he started randomly slapping me across the burned areas and I was like daaaamn you! So the night came and we all bought lots of beer for ourselves. I bought myself about 4 cans of Dreher  ( the best beer I’ve ever had, by the way) since I wasn’t really feeling like drinking beer that night, but meh, and we sat  in the yard of the campsite and talked shit for hours in a row. By the time I had decided to join the other girls and sleep there were only 4 or 5 of us left outside, and let me tell you, we were pretty wasted. (I never thought I could get drunk from 3 beers, but trust me, sleeping half an hour/night can do that to you, and hell you can get as wasted as you want, and it’s cheap :D!) So I went to sleep and all that bull but ended up being rudely awoken half an hour later by two guys, one of them pointing the flashlight of his phone in my eyes, and the other was grinning madly at something. I guessed they were off doing their usual ritual of waking everyone by shouting earthquake, fire, and other shit like that in  their ears. So I didn’t go back to sleep. But when I went outside, imagine my surprise. One of my mates was walking around in his boxer shorts, grabbing at his hair and he looked utterly panicked, so I was like, dude, are you okay? The answer I got was vague, and a bit scary: he told me his lungs hurt, his heart hurt, he was going to die, so okay, my first thought, what if he’s having a heart-attack or a seizure of some sort, what the fuck do I do? But then he walks around for another 2-3 minutes, mumbling about how he was going to die, before he just grabs his dick and randomly pees on the concrete. I was like what the fuck dude. Later we realized the dude was walking in his sleep, so of course, smartphones out, and we got it all on video. We had such a laugh at his expense. Poor guy. Though in the mornin he seemed fairly pleased with himself and even had fun while watching the videos we made of him. So all was right in the world.

After that one day I felt like, yeah, I could go home now, I had already had enough. The rest of the days weren’t anything special. I barely slept and we drank and got drunk off our asses every night. We had some shit with the cops, and while me and 5 other mates got rid of them, our other friends who were looking for a gas station and wanted to ask for directions pulled over the police car without even realizing it and yeah. Shit went down, but luckily they didn’t get arrested for not having any ID on them (it was about 4 o’clock in the morning, they were near the highway and they were wasted )

Then we came home, I can’t say I didn’t enjoy the trip, because that would be a lie:)

The day before yesterday I was invited to a birthday party to one of my class mates and yeah. My classmates are of course stoners, and all that shit and I tend to stay away from them because of it but mostly because they are the rich and arrogant types and they get on my nerves with their arrogance. But yeah, my best friend had left and I really had noone to hang out with so when this dude came up to me and asked me if I wanted to snort some bathsalts with him I was like, sure, I;ve never snorted anything in my life, but why not? So he took me to the backroom, took out his white iphone, and poured some of the salt on the screen, placed a bill on top of it and proceeded to soften it with my credit card. After I sniffed it I was like what the fuck am I supposed to feel besides my nostrils flaring and that bitter shit slowly flowing down my throat? But I realized that the whole party sped up after that. This was at about 1 in the morning and by the time I started to feel a bit tired it was already passed 6 . I felt pretty energetic and happy and that’s something for me cause I always feel morose when I drink. So yeah, it wasn’t a bad idea, and if the opportunity will present itself once more, I won’t say no.

So I’ve spent the last day sleeping and having the headache of the century but some coffee finally solved my problems. Though I feel like I just want to forget about everything and everyone for awhile, stay put, maybe lay out in the sun, but I mostly feel like I really have to start on my summer assignments. I should really start studying for my Cambridge exam in December because it’s a lot of money and I can’t afford not to pass it, and I really need to decide on what uni i want to attend after I finish high-school. I was thinking something like chemical engineering but I really need to look into that and start studying if that’s what I really want because it’s not gonna be easy for me.
Anytime I start thinking about my future my head starts hurting and I feel this massive weight on my consciousness. Thinking about my future and responsibility always manages to bring me down, but meh.

Vampire Diaries

Wow! Well I’ve had people telling me how cool it is for like.. ages, but I was always like ‘meh,vampires? seriously? must e so twilightish’ so.. i didn’t listen to what anyone ever said and just did my own motherfucking thing.but since summer break is in, and i’m on a shortage of  friends, well I kind of spend my days in the house. all by myself, and sometimes i do my summer assignments but most of the time i’m not up for them. so i downloaded the three seasons of The Vampire Diaries.

OMG! so yes. OMG! I never thought I’d love a show this much. I adored it, hell I spent the last 3 days in my room watching it. I’ve just finished the third season like two hours ago and I’m still dumbfounded.

So I really like the story. It’s a good thing that they made up a normal vampire history and all, and oh, my,god. I was so thankful for the whole werewolf thing. I mean i was thankful for the fact that Tyler didn’t just do a fairy-jump and transform into a werewolf. (Seriously, Twilight series?)

I love Stefan, he seems genuinely good, and pure, and the kind of person who is not afraid to show who he really is.But even though I love him, I adore Damon. He is the best. I think I like him even more because he reminds me about myself most of the times (no, I’m not that big of a meanie or a bitch). He is a really caring person, who has turned to be the way he is because of all the hurt, anger but I think mostly all  the disappointment he had to go through. But I think at the end of the day, yeah, Stefan will always love Elena and he’s like this constant..thing for her, something she can hold onto,  but Damon could truly make her happy, if she would just trust him and show him her true feelings . I think the reason he kept doing the things he did, was because she never really showed him her feelings, and it’s a coping mechanism.He always fucked up and hurt her, before she had the chance to do that to him. (I do this all the time, unfortunately) And I feel kind of pissed because their situation is so realistic, I mean there are some people who always get what they want and they don’t even have to fight for it ( Stefan got Elena pretty easily if you ask me, and I mean got her to love him, to trust him) while others could die trying and still wouldn’t get what they want (How long did Damon try, and try in the second and third seasons? Still she chose Stefan.)..it’s unfair.

I think Damon’s true self is really shown from the second season. When he goes about and when he lays down in the middle of the road, and compels that girl to stand still so he could just get everything that’s bothering him out of his system. Him compelling Andie is just another sign of how much pain he’s in and how desperately he tries to fight his feelings. I think that everything he does he does to numb the pain. To try and show others that he has completely shut down his humanity so they wouldn’t think he’s weak. I don’t think he could ever shut himself down the way Stefan did. He’s just too impulsive and hot-headed to do that.  Plus, he loves her so much. And you can fucking see that in every fucking scene they’re together.

I think my fav quote of Damon’s was: ” When people see good, they expect good. And I don’t want to have to live up to anyone’s expectations”

Another thing, I hate how sometimes I get Elena and Katherine mixed up but I get the feeling that that’s the point? I love the Katherine style more, it just shows everyone who fucking lucky Ian Somerhalder is to have such a hot girlfriend like Nina Dobrev. orw. (And she’s  fucking lucky too.). They’re a hot-ass couple, that’s for sure.

I could go on about this series forever I think, I’m just too lazy to type, since my keyboard is fucked up and it’s a pain in the ass.

Can’t wait for the next season,whooppiii

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Reminisce

Have you ever reread a previous blog of yours? Or a journal you wrote few years back?

Why I’ve been on a roll this weekend. Lots of bitchy high school drama has been going on and well, me being me, I was really pissed and upset about it. A former crush of mine got hit by a car and was in a coma for three weeks, as well so..yeah.. may was..so much..’yay’. (Oh god. I know, this was lame.)

So I’ve stumbled upon something I wrote when I was about ..14?15? I don’t even remember. But I feel dumb about the way I handle life these days, because I seemed much more mature back then:”But denial was just part of everything. Every friendship anyone swore to never have lost, every summer people promised within themselves to always remember, as it fades away, you dwell into denial, and then sorrow comes, and then, you forget. Either you forget about those people in your life that had vanished, no matter of circumstance, or you forget to feel, and to stand up on your own feet again.

My friends, my family. I loved them and I still love them. I owe them for being who I am now. I owe them for being the reason. The reason for me being, they gave me strength, the strength to be something. To be something better. Even if better counted as worse in their eyes.

Love was and always will be terrible. But on a second thought love isn’t terrible. It just reminds us that we’re all alone, that’s all.”

Have you ever discovered anything interesting that you wrote a while back? Have you noticed the huge changes in who you are now, and who you were back then?

Everything’s all by the way.

So firstly, I .. dunno if I should apologize for the Kony 2012 post or what. I’ve documented myself over the past months, and as far as I’m concerned I agree that it is a scam, a political scam to be exact, and I feel sorry for that post. Even though what I really wanted to say in that post was that people should accomplish whatever goals they set ahead of themselves, I still feel sorry and embarrassed for even mentioning Kony2012. So I apologize. I’m not going to delete the post, cause I feel like I tried to make a point beside the obvious stupidity,but yeah. 😦

On a side-note, I’ve been reading Rookie for a while now, and I really like their work. Just yesterday I’ve come across one particular post, about breakups, the friendship kind of breakup.. yeah. Well I’m unsure, whether this is a sign from somewhere, that my best friend and I should really admit the end of our friendship or not. We’ve been the best of friends for the past 4 years now, and it’s really hard to believe we’ve come to this.

Has anyone ever made that huge mistake of pushing everyone away? Like, all of your friends? I’ve been talking to  a classmate of mine, who was complaining about a friend of hers who was really pushing everyone away, because she was afraid of getting hurt, she was afraid of disappointment . Well I’ve given it plenty of thought, and I realized, that I am doing the same, but subconsciously. It’s not something I want to do but let me tell you something,if you’re in the same situation, and your friend  is pushing you away, it might not always be something you’ve done, or your friend being selfish and/ or leaving you behind.

As far as I’m concerned, I know I have periods of my life when I’m either mildly or majorly depressed. I get really really down, I feel really blue, I am hopeless, and I cry myself to sleep. I am the kind of person who doesn’t really know how to pretend, especially not in front of my closest friends, thus when they ask me if I’m okay, and I feel like I cannot tell them the truth, I can’t look in their eyes and say ” It’s nothing, really”. I can say it but the way I do signals my lack of honesty. And thus people get the impression that I’ve changed ( not like change is a bad thing, but they consider I’ve stopped being the person who constantly cared about them, and started.. not caring). They might be right, but I haven’t really changed. That’s the point. The internal struggle of suppressing certain things can get people really really low. You know, how, like, therapists tend to say that a person often gets worse before getting better that being a sign of aknowledging the problem, a sign of healing.

Now, let us be honest here. It’s not about lack of trust concerning the ones pushed away, if this is what we are talking about. It’s about,like,  who would want to listen to someone, who has  fits of depression, hates themselves and everything around them? After a while it just seems like that person just likes to feel sorry for themselves. Right? But no. People with real problems like this one  don’t want others, not even their closest friend or family feeling sorry for them. It’s something they, and I really know I hate. I hate the fact that I can’t seem to permanently work on and solve these issues that keep resurfacing every, say 6 months or so.

So I know the struggle. And even thought I am trying to figure out my problems that doesn’t go smoothly. It’s impossible to solve  the way  I’ve  tried so many times before: for example holing myself up in my room for two weeks, facebook deactivated and phone turned off. It just doesn’t work. People tend to think, ‘Oh I’ll just think about it for a day or two and I should come up with a solution’. No. I know I’ve done this so many times, but it won’t go away in such a short period of time.  It’s a slow  process of healing.

So it’s really not a personal thing if a friend pushes you away. It’s not because she or he doesn’t need or want you in his or her life anymore. She/He just has problems she/he needs to work out.  And it’s not easy, I tell you. I’m really trying, for example, to make my friends understand that it’s not them, it’s me, no matter how cliché it might sound, it’s sometimes the truth.

Sometimes it’s better to just step away from it all, just for a while, to clear your head and set your priorities rather than staying in the race and losing everything just because you couldn’t admit you needed a break. Sometimes people need break from reality, and a journey through their feelings.

I recently got an assignment from my religion teacher, who told me to write a 10,000 word essay about what is beautiful in my life, and what  I should be grateful for. And I was like ‘Are you fucking kidding me?’ when she first told me but yeah. Thinking about it now, it might be a wake-up call. Writing that might make me realize what the beauty of life is.

xxx

Kony 2012-Let’s help make a difference!

 

So one of my best friends linked me to this video, and told me to drop my studying and just watch it.So I was like yeah, I’m all sleepy and stuff and in no mood to do school work so yeah, why not? So I clicked. And I watched the video. And well what can I say? It caught me. I mean. Any time I see something like this it makes me feel.. unhappy about life but at the same time motivated to do something about it.

These kinds of things make me believe that there’s still hope for little people such as me to help, in any seemingly futile way possible.

Let me tell you some things about myself.

I am from an eastern European county, most of you probably have no idea exists, and it’s okay-we’re too weird  to be noticed for anything we do really, and people here are lazy and judgemental and mediocre, for the most.So we never do anything to be noticed. Or rather, those who do don’t live here anymore, and they deny their origins. Which is like okay with me, I’m no huge patriot, I don’t judge everybody must have their reasons.

Anyway. I live in a relatively small town ( well it’s not so small compared to other towns in my country, if you know what I mean. )I live with my dad and stepmum since my mother died when I was very little. I have the usual high-school drama going on, friends that are on and off and I’m the kind of person who, well, loves people and loves helping them since it’s the only thing to really make me feel good about myself, in general. When I help others, I feel like I’m helping myself get over my own issues. So these on and off, fake friendships cause me a lot of grief and as of lately they really make my days seem worse and worse and worse. And I tend to get all depressed and that leads me to the next issue..

In order for me to ever move out of this shithole of a country I should have really good grades, and a scholarship and so on and so forth, and even those wouldn’t guarantee me the escape from my birthplace. And I hate feeling like the fact that I was born here has been hanging over my head like this dark curse-cloud all of my life. I hate feeling and fearing that I might be stuck here for good, with no choice but to word my but off to barely scrape enough money for food let alone pay rent and everything else. So yeah. I know every place has its ups and downs, ut trust me when I tell you that even though this is true, there are certain places in this world where  it’s worth putting up with a little bad because there’s more good to it.Where I live it’s a whole other deal, but I’m not really going to get into that subject.

So yeah. Watching this made me think of my future, of our future, and of *(maybe) the end of the world? Whether the true and realistic end of the world or merely the end of the world as we know it up to the 21st century.? I have no idea. All I know is that it seems like a lot of people, including myself made plans to change, either themselves or to attempt changing the world this year, and because I can somehow relate, even though my goals are small and insignificant. So I wanted to share the video. Please click it, please watch it, please feel it, let it pass through.

I know I can’t help more than this because of where I live , I just hope all of those capable of helping these people out will spare few dollars hoping this could make a change for so many. I think this world needs good deeds. It needs love and not hatred. Hatred lead us to where we stand now, and it’s not all well and good and sunshine and candy now is it? Life seems to be harder than ever so. I really hope these people achieve their goals.I really do.

 

On a more personal*(?) note, I ..well.. I dunno I might be sick or something. I have these absolutely horrible abdnominal pains on my right side. It like starts from underneath my ribs, through my stomach (burning, tightening sensations), and just heads downwards on the right side radiating to my spine, till my appendix and my right ovary hurt.I really don’t know what the cause of this could be, but I’m gonna see a doctor about it soon, I think.
Anyone ever had anything like this ? xoxo

 

 

Be a simple kind of man.

I am shocked, least to say. Before I start, I am no expert in these kinds of stuff. I don’t consider that I have any disorders, yeah, I’m constantly on a diet, but a healthy diet mixed with exercise. And now I am going to start.

I was reading this blog today, the rookie, but that’s not the point. As I was reading through the posts I somehow got to some kind of eating disorder related ones, so I started reading other blogs, and thinspo blogs, tumblr’s whatever, you get the point.

All the way, all I could think of was that there are so many young girls. 12,13,14 year-old girls starving themselves to death because they see themselves fat? I’m not judging them, don’t get me wrong, I’m just stunned that we live in a motherfucking world where a 12 year-old girl can become anorexic because she wants to fit in, to stop being bullied, to be thin like the models, to be perfect.

I’m no stranger to dieting. I tried many methods, I was what they call fat nowadays, yeah. I bet all those skinny, calorie counting girls were making fun of me but I chose to lose my weight the healthy way: with a healthy diet (I cut low on carbohydrates, drank a lot of water, lost the junk food and only ate sweets occasionally) and work-out. It was hard work, and I wanted to quit so many times, but I just kept on going. It’s no quick fix. It’s not like starving yourself for two weeks and seeing the drastic changes, and, all in all probably having a sense of achievement, even though your body is exhausted.Starving yourself is hard, it’s painful, it requires a lot of futile control. It makes you lose focus, and for a 12 year old girl, in school, it can mean a lot of hardship concerning school life in general.

I’m not going to rant about healthy lifestyles. All I really want to point out that there is no perfect. All of the models out there are models. It’s their job to look that way, they get paid to look like that. It’s not an everyday woman’s job to look like that. Skin and bones? That is not perfect, that is ugly. Boys won’t like you better, no one will look at you in a different light, not in a positive way, no. It’s okay to be normal. If you weight a bit more than you think you should, go exercise, go run, it’s way better than starving yourself to death. And most importantly don’t think that being thin is going to make you happy. It might, for awhile but that sense of accomplishment can only make you happy for so long and there’s so much more to life than that. Learn to ignore the bullies, and what others think. Be yourself, whoever that is, it’s the only person you can be. Be proud of your hair color, your eyes, your shape, be proud of yourself. Learn to love yourself. Each of us is beautiful in their own way, and those quick to judge by looks are just sad people, really really sad and unaccomplished people, with low self-esteem.

And please remember that those who will and do truly love us, don’t love us for what sizes we wear, or how much we weight. They love us for what’s inside our soul. And that’s what really matters. Be something you love and understand.

i’m bullettproof, nothing to lose

 

Happy  belated New Year to everyone,I’m sorry for not updatin it’s jsut.meh.

I’ve been away with my class for new years and it was crazy. no not the i had so much fun crazy, but the i had so much drama crazy. and i’m not even in da mood to elaborate. lets just say, i’ve had enough of two faced fucks. and i’m done giving a rats ass about how they feel when they clearly don’t care about how i feel.

I jsut wanna write down my new years resolution, so this blog will probably be focused on how i deal with that but it’s mainly this:

be more self confident, not give a fuck about what others say, just feel good the way i am. which all sums up to acceptimg myself for who i am. and i wanna be a lil bit more independent since i’m gonna be eighteeen this year, fuck yeah!

 

soo.. right now..i’m drinkin hot exotic fruit tea and eating bagels and watching gossipgirl.

not giving a fuuuck!